I had been excitedly planning for the new school year since June. Despite this being the fullest year yet, with all five of our children “in school” now, I had been confident that this year would be incredible. Trusting that the Lord would lead me in all the little details of curriculum and scheduling, I was able to get through most of the summer without worrying about the upcoming school year. 

And then the last week before school officially started in September, the questions started flying. Suddenly, my confidence wavered and I looked in the mirror. My memories of all the past years of struggles and failures on my part started shooting at me like arrows in the dark. 

I remembered the uniquely strong-willed and independent children that God has put in our family. I remembered my inadequacies to manage the home well. I remembered how quickly and hopelessly the schedule gets out of hand and I quickly fail to know how to fix it.

You see, picking out all the books and curriculum is fun to me. Reading books on how incredible homeschooling is and how to disciple your children through it is thrilling. Sitting down and actually doing it is where I get scared.

Homeschooling can feel a little bit like you’re trying to walk on water while pulling a boat behind you. Sometimes it feels like the whole thing could quickly collapse and you’ll sink, bringing your whole family down with you.

I love the story of Jesus walking on the water in Matthew 14:22-33. I think I have always been quick to judge Peter and point out that he doubted and faltered; but he actually walked on the water until he took his eyes off Jesus and looked at his surroundings. As soon as Peter began to sink, he cried out to Jesus who quickly “reached out His hand and took hold of him.” Jesus and Peter walked back to the boat together and the winds didn’t die down until they reached the safety of the boat. 

Don’t you love that Jesus didn’t calm the storm until they reached the boat? I think Jesus was teaching Peter and us the valuable lesson that only by holding His hand and keeping our eyes on Him can we walk on the stormy waves of our lives, even the challenges of homeschooling.

If you are trying to keep yourself and your homeschool afloat and you’re a little worried that you’re not going to be able to stay above the waves, keep your eyes on Jesus. Reach out for His hand, and surrender the load to Him. And by the grace of God you might actually find yourself walking on water in faith that Jesus is the one keeping you afloat.

When I was praying over the new school year this fall, the Lord spoke this promise to my heart, from 1 Thessalonians 5:24, “The One who calls you is faithful, and He will do it.”

He will be faithful. He will be your help and your steady rock. You can cling to the promises in His Word. 

You only need to turn to Him and cry out for help.

Better yet, don’t take your eyes off of Him, even for a moment.

I will never cease to wonder at the miracle of growth. Every time I gently bury those tiny seeds in the dark, I shake my head in amazement. How is it that these seeds grow? How is it that the process of digging, hiding and dying brings forth growth, fruit and life?

As I carefully conceal these seeds in the earth, my thoughts wander to our children. How many endless hours have I spent sowing seeds of life in their souls? Reading God’s word aloud and attempting to explain the great and complex principles found there. Reading story after story filled with goodness, virtues, and truth? How many times have I corrected a prideful and selfish child only to have them turn away in anger. How many times have I thrown up my hands in frustration because no matter how eloquently I try to explain something, they just don’t seem to get it.

And then I am gently reminded that no matter how diligent I may be in sowing these seeds, I am not the one who will make them grow. As I sow this garden in the spring, there are so many things that I do to prepare the soil and help these seeds have everything they need to germinate and grow, but the actual process is completely out of my hands. There comes a point after all my toiling that I just have to sit back, wait and trust.

“We are not called to be successful, but faithful.”

Mother Teresa

As parents and teachers we spend all day faithfully sowing truth, goodness and beauty into the souls of those entrusted to us; but we must remember also that we are not the ones who will cause those seeds to grow. There is a hidden miracle in the soul of a child, that only God can bring to life. Once we have faithfully done our part of cultivating and sowing, there comes a time when we can only sit back and wait, praying and trusting that God will bring forth growth and life.

“So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth.”

1 Corinthians 3:7

This is where my garden is today as I write this. I sowed my seeds, and now I am waiting. Every day I hopefully scan the blank dirt, watering and praying that the seeds will actually work. Sometimes this waiting feels like an eternity, but I must remember all that is happening under the blanket of invisibility. The quickening to life, the growth of roots going deep, the death of the seed giving way to a different sort of life, and finally the emergence of the plant. Much of this plant’s vital growth is invisible to me, the sower.

As our children receive the seeds of life in the garden of their soul, the same thing occurs, and I trust that these seeds will grow, even if I don’t see evidence for a painfully long time. I faithfully plant and do my part, and trust the Giver of Life to do the rest.

“We must drop the self-inflated view that we are the be-all and end-all of whether the education we offer our children is going to work out…
Rather, He asks us to live excellently—that is, to live in simple, obedient faith and trust. He asks us to faithfully commit every day to Him and then to do that day’s tasks well.
He’s in charge of the results.”

Sarah Mackenzie – “Teaching from Rest”

As Norton Juster mused in his introduction to “The Phantom Tollbooth;”

Like most of the good things that have happened in my life, the Phantom Tollbooth was written when I was trying to avoid doing something else, something I was supposed to do. Some people are like that. I’m one of them.

Norton Juster

Are you one of those people? I certainly am. I have a pile of things I have to do right now; but it is most often in these moments of necessities that I feel most creative. That I just have to write or create. Anything but the monotonous obligations that I’m required to fulfill. And if I shove this aside again, the idea is lost forever.

Is this the life of the creative? A little messy, always late, terribly unorganized, but alive inside with ideas? With words waiting to be let free?

If this is truly the life I am created to live, then I embrace it. Burden or gift, I love to write. I come alive when molding these words. I accept it, the messy crazy chaos of it all. I do feel, however, that it makes it hard to be known. I can bare my soul on a piece of paper, but I cannot make small talk to save my soul. People assume I am just quiet and don’t know how to talk to me I suppose. But if I can make just one person think differently about their situation, if I can just encourage one weary soul, if I can simply point one soul towards God; then it will all be worth it.

I think I starting telling people I was homeschooling when my oldest was 3. I feel like I was a different person that long ago and I don’t even remember what we did for school exactly, but it was a start.

Whenever I share with others that I homeschool I’ve had countless people respond by saying, “Oh, I could never do that!” Sometimes people assume that since I am homeschooling that it is going really well and I have hidden talents that they do not possess.

I am sorry to say that is terribly far from the truth.

To be brutally honest, homeschooling has always been really hard for me.

I always thought that since my mom managed to homeschool my brother and I that would be easy and fun for me to do the same with my children.

Ha.

For the first few years it was so difficult and stressful I don’t know if I accomplished anything at all. When she was little, my daughter strongly protested at any mention of “doing school” and her little brother quickly followed her lead.

And besides not having a clue how to get my children excited about learning I was super overwhelmed by all the curriculum that was available. And why do they all claim that they’re the best? And what the heck was Charlotte Mason, Unschooling, Classical, Montessori and all the rest?

Naturally I chose the fanciest curriculum with the biggest box of books and a teacher’s guide that was 3in thick (for a kindergartener).

And I failed miserably. I never even got close to covering half of the subjects I was supposed to in one day.

Then I tried another renowned curriculum and failed again. I couldn’t even figure out how to teach the simple word blends to my kindergartener.

I really wish I could go back in time and tell myself then what I know now. That school isn’t really about picking the right curriculum (especially at their little age) or trying to make it look like a day at a public school. I wish I could tell myself to stop fretting, stop worrying, and just keep reading aloud to those precious little ones. To cherish this time with them before you really do have to start learning about multiplication and pronouns. But God’s grace covers everything, even my miserable falters along the way.

Things didn’t get better until I finally found my “village” and received a little encouragement from others who were trying to do the same things I was. I started reading for myself again (something I had denied myself since having kids and didn’t think I had time for it), and learning what homeschooling really was all about. I searched the internet for fellow homeschoolers and found several blogs that encouraged me in the day to day.

One of the most instrumental things I did was finding out my personality type.

I took the free test from 16 Personalities and discovered I am an INFJ (which is apparently one of the rarest types. No wonder I always feel like the crazy one!) I can’t express how much relief I felt from finally knowing that I’m not crazy and there’s a reason behind how my mind works.

Another huge step in figuring out how to make homeschool work for me was finding out that I am a Highly Sensitive Person as well. I read this post on Simple Homeschool  from a fellow homeschooling HSP and I finally felt understood!

Take these two things and put me in a house with 4 busy children all day every day and it might sound like I’m losing the battle already! Most of the time it wasn’t even the children that bothered me, it was the overwhelming clutter of it all.

As I was digging deeper in to what my personality type meant, I learned that an INFJ desperately needs order and routine in order to function well (yes, I already knew that). But I was shocked (and also a little relieved?) to find out that we are also the most unable to establish such routine.

This. This is why I am terrible at planning and establishing routine. I’m not crazy. *insert huge sigh of relief*

But, um, help???

My job as a homeschooling mom is to do just that! To establish some sort of calm and order for our days so we can get through the homework we need to and not lose our minds. But I seemed to be unable to do such a thing.

Needless to say, our early school days were often ending in crying, and it wasn’t just the children.

A few years ago I was ready to give up. In fact I called the private school I was going to send them to. The phone rang and rang and no one answered, in the middle of a business day. So I went to their website and my stomach started churning. I took this great absence of peace as a voice from God saying, “Don’t give up yet.”

Then about a year ago, I was sobbing at the end of a really bad day and I was angrily talking to God about it. “Why?!? Why after all I’ve read and all I know, why can’t I get this school thing to work??”

And there in the midst of my anger and tears, Father God interrupted me and spoke to my heart.

“I have made homeschool hard for you so that when others are struggling you will understand and be there to help them keep going.” 

Things didn’t magically get better, but God gave me a glimpse of His master plan and with new eyes I was able to see a little more clearly how to fashion our homeschool in a way that worked for our family.

And I understood that my homeschool might be very different from others, but that was finally ok.

So that’s why I’m here. I don’t have any answers for you, and I can’t plan to save my life. But if you’re struggling and ready to give up, my dear friend, I have been there. And with the Lord’s help we can walk this journey together.

Like I said, it hasn’t been easy, but in trusting in God’s plan and learning more about myself as a person I was given tools to make life work for us.

I finally felt the freedom to say no to a lot of other activities. I have a lot of other homeschooling  friends who have activity days that run from morning until evening, but that would be suicide for me.

I finally felt freedom to sift through the curriculum and find the things that were good and beautiful and worked both with my teaching style and my children’s learning styles. Believe me, this is still a work in progress, but as I prayerfully approach each child and their own personality and learning needs I am slowly obtaining a clearer vision on what works best for us. Reading Sarah Mackenzie’s book, Teaching from Rest was incredibly instrumental in this process as well.

Most importantly, I am finding the freedom to be the person God created me to be. I used to wallow in self-doubt and discouragement because I just couldn’t do all the things others do, but the Lord is giving me confidence to do things well in my own unique way.

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me,

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:8-9

I’m more scared than I realized to launch a blog. People will be reading my words and taking them in and either being encouraged by them or judging me because of them, and that’s scary. It’s probably that fear that’s kept me in hiding for so long.

But then, thanks to Jesus, I’m reminded that I don’t matter all that much.

No, this isn’t a moment of self-loathing or getting down on myself. I know my incredible worth in Jesus. But really, I’m just a person.

Just a person that God set a fire inside.

Just a person who was made in the image of God.

And sure, I worry about saying the right thing and writing about things that matter, but in the end I’m just doing this because God inspired me to. And He wants me to write. And if God wants me to write then I am just a channel for Him to speak through.

Most people will probably just shrug me off as just another blogger. Or talk behind my back (or right in my face as is the custom on social media these days) on how I need to improve. But maybe, just maybe, it will be exactly what one person needs to hear.

And that’s all that matters.

Emily P. Freeman is one of my favorite authors, and in her beautiful book “A Million Little Ways” she reflects,

“What if you desire to do a particular thing because God created you a particular way, not to tease you or to make you miserable, but to actually mold you into becoming more like him, for his glory and the benefit of others?” 

My blogging days go back to the days of high school and Xanga, but as I became an adult I begrudgingly realized that everyone was already blogging and almost gave up because obviously anything that I wanted to write about had already been published. But yet again, Emily P. Freeman’s words spoke to my heart,

“Just because he is saying something you want to say doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say it too…..The world needs you awake and alive. Does the world need another book? Song? Painted living room? Not necessarily. But the world does need you to come alive right where you are and not where you wish you were.” (A Million Little Ways)

Every single one of us has a unique past, unique personality, and unique desires. That makes our impact on the world different than any others’. Instead of competing with those surrounding us, we need to look up and see how God wants to uniquely shine through our lives and show the world something about Himself.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.”  Proverbs 3:5-6

“Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6

The post I am about to post is actually an old post that I wrote a year ago on my unpublished blog I had started about homeschooling. There was only one post and I didn’t even know if I wanted to keep writing because I was so determined not to be “one of those moms who write about homeschooling.” All the blogs I’ve read on homeschooling were full of good advice and amazing projects and resources and people who loved this life at home. I was overwhelmed and felt like a failure and I didn’t know if I even wanted to be known as a homeschooling mom, because honestly I wasn’t even sure if I could keep doing it.

I am so grateful to God for not giving up on me. For working in me and changing me every day a little more for His Glory. So here is what I wrote a year ago on the subject.

“Today was just terrible.

Not the first words you really want to read upon finding a new homeschooling blog, but it’s true. I’ve wanted to start this blog for almost two years now, such a long time ago; and out of all the good days I could have started, today turns about to be the day I did.

I don’t really know what tripped us up today, but it was just bad. Wednesdays are always bad. Kids were yelling, crying and arguing. Every time I tried to get them to sit down something else would set them off. Once one was calm the other three were crying. Well, that’s a little bit of an exaggeration. Almost. And of course, momma had her fair share of crabby moments and exasperated outbursts as well.

So, I guess I write this because this is real life right now. Most homeschooling blogs I read (and believe me, I never thought I’d be writing a blog on homeschooling) are packed full of free resources and book lists and long blog posts of all the stuff they accomplished in one day with 11 children and chickens, and latin declensions. I’m sorry I don’t have anything that accomplished to share with you. But what I do have is real.

Maybe I won’t be able to help you sort out your morning schedule, or reassure you on what curriculum to pick, but I have real stories of what homeschooling has been like for us, both the good and the bad. I’m going to be super honest with you right upfront and admit that homeschooling has been a real struggle for me. I daily feel like I am failing. I can barely recall a few days where I have gone to bed feeling accomplished and encouraged that school is awesome and I have done a good job teaching these little ones.

The only hope I have for this blog is that perhaps my stories of frustration and perseverance, of thankfulness and hope can somehow reach you on your bad days and bring you encouragement as well, because I know I would be encouraged to know that I’m not the only one who struggles.

I almost gave up this fall. I was ready to send them all to public school, and my sweet husband in his calm wisdom reminded me that I actually wanted to do this. This crazy life of a husband who works from home and a stay at home mom who homeschools their 4 kids was actually my dream and some days it’s a little harder to see, but I am so blessed. So at the end of a terrible day, when I just wanted to hide in the laundry room and cry, I’m giving it up to God and saying “Thank you for the life you’ve given me, I give this day to you, please redeem it for Your glory.”